I really hate seeing Kim so sad and hurt that she can't control her tears. I feel helpless because I don't know how to protect her and sheild her from this drama. I will try to explain here the best I can without revealing all the parties involved in the situation. Shortly after we discovered the wonderful news that Kim is pregnant we started telling family and some friends. It was a very wonderful/scary/intense/beutiful time for Kim and I, so naturally we wanted to share our joy with our families. Of course we don't NEED the approval and support from those closest to our hearts, but it DOES help and feel good to have them there for us. Anyway, a month went by without any communication from certain members of Kim's family. During that time in my talks with Kim she had said that "she wished (family member) would call her" and that "she missed (family member) very much" Finally kim received an email with all sorts of excuses as to why the silence occured, basically blaming the lack of communication on things that Kim did or didn't do. I was, of course, quite upset and so was Kim. I really don't think it's a bad thing to be upset when someone does or says something to hurt my lover/friend/partner. I sent (family member) an email that tried to convey mine and Kim's feelings about the email she received and the lack of communication before the email. I thought it was a well written non-threatening email that did a very good job letting (family member) know how much Kim and I were hurt by the situation. I received an email in response basically telling me that I don't need to protect Kim from (family member), and it finished off by calling me a pompous a**hole. First of all I WILL protect Kim from anyone that hurts her feelings I don't care who you are, and second if sharing my feelings makes me an a**hole, so be it!!! Since then (family member) will call Nana Betty and ask about how Kim is doing, but never Kim directly. So there still is really no communication between Kim and her (family member), which is sad and hurtfull. Now that I have the back story out of the way we can fast forward to today. As many of you know, Kim and I are getting married in less than a month. We just found out that Kim's (family member) will not be attending the wedding. As I was leaving for work today I was backing out of the driveway watching the tears run down Kim's face. I have to tell you, it made my heart break to see my Lover/partner/friend hurting so bad. I just think that Kim's (family member) is just being mean, it seems like (family member) is punishing Kim because (family member & family member's partner) don't like me very much. Of course I also feel bad because, due to (family member)'s dislike of me, I think it's somehow my fault that Kim is getting treated this way by (family member). However, I really have not been given a chance by (family member & family member's partner), they have disliked me from the begining. At least that is how it feels to me, and without any communication from (family member) I am continuing to beleive that even if it's true or not. I am writing this here in hopes that Kim and I can move on from this and not let it get to us as much as it does. We have a very good support system in place, my Mom and Dad and Kim's Mom have been nothing but supportive and helpful. Also, vicariously through me, Kim has the support of the rest of my family and extended family as well. They love Kim simply because they love me and I love Kim, that is enough for them...
In other news: On the 26th we have another go at finding out if we are going to have a Dexter Clayton or a Pearl Allison. Also, we have decided that we are going to Amsterdam for our honeymoon, be jealous!!!
Saturday
The Drama Continues
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6 of you posted a comment...:
It's very sad that the drama continues, I miss my family being so close like we used to be. But I now have another family to be there for me, you Clay, Susan, Bob, the rest of your family, and of course my Mimsy who I would be lost without.
Hopefully some more time and communication (I certainly include myself in that statement) will make things better. If not, I'm still lucky enough to have so much love and support around me. Sigh, drama sucks. But going to Amsterdam after our divine wedding will be bliss!
Sorry to hear that there have been hard parts. I've been so happy for you guys, and trust me, I'm way jealous of the Amsterdam honeymoon. Say hello to the Van Gogh museum for me :)
Jess, I will say hi to the fine "coffee" establishments for you as well. I know you are not much of a "coffee" drinker, but you have said if you were in Amsterdam you would almost feel like you HAD to drink some "coffee"...hehehe
You guys are so special and right for each other and so ready to be great parents that it confuses me when people are mean to you. I try not to get angry that people are hurting both of you: my mother bear clicks in, you know. But know this, we are always here for you, we love you, and we understand family shit!! Now, can we go on your noneymoon with you?
I am sorry to hear that your family difficulties have gotten worse. Unfortunately I am accustomed to seeing this kind of scenario in my professional life as a counselor, more often than not. This will be a long comment, but I think important.
When new people are brought into a family, or when a family member dies, old issues tend to resurface with a vengeance. Many, if not all, of these kinds of issues are rooted in generations-long habits of family inter-relating and coping. They are rooted in ways of dealing with change, occurrences that are out of the family’s control, and learned ways of coping with life, that have historically worked very well on one level but have also, on the other hand, grown and metastasized into very poor and unproductive intimacy-based relationship skills.
In that way it might be difficult to pin blame on anyone for how things go awry. My bet is this stuff has a long, multi-generational, history and so no one is really to blame. Any more than someone who was brought up in Spain should be blamed for speaking Spanish. But there is the issue of taking responsibility for changes that you would like to occur, and responsibility for protecting yourselves and your child from the abusive elements in this imbedded pattern of behavior; demanding and expecting respect and autonomy in your decision-making and your life choices., as well as making sure you are doing things that do not make the patterns more ingrained and harder to escape from.
Also important is the recognition that any kind of positive and lasting family change is supremely difficult and takes years, maybe generations, to make into the dominant way of functioning. It must be done by all involved through open, trust-based, assertive, honest communication, and an understanding that many of the feelings associated with these problems have roots in a part of the brain that does not recognize language… the hurts occurred even before we could speak. Language and talking do not often “fix” them. We try to apply language to our feelings about them and it fails to have a positive impact. We try to find a source for how we feel in others who have known us all of our lives and we only manage to hurt them or elicit hurtful responses from them. Sometimes, for all concerned, periods of no communication are best… with the doors left open.
Changing behavior, increasing acceptance of others’ choices, and wise child-rearing patterns may help, but even then the old stuff sneaks up on us unawares, even when we are trying to do the best we can. (Example for Clayton: of course you remember the green bean episode… and this when I was trying so hard NOT to treat you the way I was treated as a child!). Apologizing and accepting apology and hammering out agreements regarding how to deal with events, when certain boundaries of negligence, abuse and control are perceived to have been crossed again, can work too. Over-arching, genuine, kindness goes a long way as well. Very, very difficult work. One must go easy on oneself while attempting it. Two steps forward, one step back.
Sometimes escape is best when engaging has, time and time again, only seemed to increase the ambivalence, discomfort and hurt. This is sad, but your major responsibility is to offer yourself and your own core family safety, autonomy and an atmosphere of reliability, unqualified love, trust and security.
I do suggest that any conversation about these kinds of family issues be done in person or over the phone. Emails are a lousy way to hear one another or be heard. I no longer accept them as true attempts to work things out. Email is a great venting tool, and a great way to tell someone off, and is sometimes useful in that way, but the immediate back and forth needed for the nature of intimacy-based negotiating and trust-building, or re-building, is almost totally absent. One must be an excellent writer to be able to convey exactly what one feels without the non-verbal input of vocal tone, body language etc. (Over 50 per cent of human communication is non-verbal!). One must also be an excellent reader not to insert feeling that was not intended in an email of this type. I would suggest that email and letters be avoided when trying to hammer out long-standing family disputes, or disputes that never really seem to represent or get at the core of the feelings being felt. These seemingly unquenchable feelings are how we know the major component of the family issues that are hurting us have very little to do with what can be said. As I have said, and know from my years of experience and education in these matters, these are generally issues that cannot rely on language alone to be resolved, but a sustained re-patterning of responsive behavior.
Sorry so long, but I figure if I’m gonna marry you guys I guess I should act a little like a spiritual advisor eh? This is tough work, but there are possibilities for change at every step when such thorny, difficult and uncomfortable stuff surfaces. And it does surface in this way for everyone. It’s normal. See what you can make of it.
Hey yeah, Bumpa hit the nail on the head.... just about knocked it clean through the board. Glad to see you guys have a most excellent spiritual advisor :-)
And yeah Clay, definitely have a cup of "coffee" for me. All I'm getting this summer is some green fairy juice in Prague.
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